For every positively fabulous thing that humans have ever done on this earth throughout history, there has always been – and will most certainly always be – an equally disastrous counterpart.

For instance:

Cure the common cold. Atom bomb.

Invent the plane. Crash it into a building.

Build up intricate, complex methods of communication. Tlk lyk dis.

Hamlet. The Secret.

Friends. Jersey Shore.

You get the idea.

However, one thing that never ceases to amaze me, is this long standing, natural human proclivity to procrastinate.

The story of “someday.”

Maybe change, "someday I'll travel the world" to "someday I'll wake up and open my eyes to the world I'm already in."  ?

Maybe change, “someday I’ll travel the world” to “someday I’ll wake up and open my eyes to the world I’m already in.” ?

Growing up, my parents had a philosophy that they themselves lived by puritanically. It’s not one, I don’t think, that they intentionally desired to imbue me with; but nevertheless, it was a way of thought that rubbed off on me. Kinda like a mosquito bug infects an unsuspecting traveller with malaria.

They taught me, through their actions that the day tomorrow will eventually come. And they taught me how to keep that day at arm’s length, at all times.

Some day, ma an’ pa each spoke, I’ll quit smoking.

Some day, we’ll renovate the downstairs.

Some day, we’ll travel the world.

Some day, I will read that book everyone’s been raving on about.

Someday, you, my son, will be a successful, rich, handsome, tall, man, who will change the world for the better.

Some. Fucking. Day.

First things first. Mum, dad, if either of you are reading this . . . hi! Please note that this is not really about you, per se, I’m just using you both as an example that a lot of people will probably be able to relate to. I could have used countless other objects of identification, but here we are.

Anyway.

Back to business.

Let me fill you in on a little secret, folks. Are you ready. Listen up.

Someday does not exist.

Someday is merely another way to say, “I like to comfort myself for my (self-perceived) shortcomings, and so, I contrive stories where the character I play will eventually fulfil all of my – ‘my’ meaning my very own – wildest dreams.”

It’s bullshit, folks.

There’s a funny story that my fifth grade teacher told me that, for whatever the reason, stuck to me closer than paint does to a wall.

It was this:

A man drove past a bar. Outside the bar this man saw a sign, reading, “FREE BEERS TOMORROW.” So the man made a mental note, and decided that tomorrow, he would drive back to that same bar to claim his free beers. The next day then, the man, jolly as a pedophile at a Wiggles concert (bad taste is my forte) jumped in his car, a smile beaming on his cheeks, and drove hastily to that bar (despite it being a Wednesday afternoon and his having successfully battled alcoholism for the past three years, five months, three days and twenty minutes).

Once he arrived at the bar, he walked inside, slammed his fist against the bar’s bench, and said, “barkeep? I’d like my free beers, please. Thank you, sir.”

The barkeep, who was drying off a tall beer glass with a ragged white towel, turned to the man, with a serious glint in ‘is eye, and said, in a matter of fact tone, “Sir, didn’t you read the sign out the front. Free beers are tomorrow. Come back then, ay?”

The man, confused, replied, “But I drove past yesterday. The sign was up yesterday. Tomorrow is the day after yesterday. Free beers are then today.”

???????????????????????????????

The barkeep, not batting an eye lid, still wiping down the dewy glass, repeated his previous statement, and turned around to serve another patron dealing with foreboding alcoholism; an Irishmen downing shots of tequila, to be precise.

The man then, scratching at his bald head, picked up his sunken spirits from the dirty floor, and decided that he would again try his luck tomorrow. And so he did. And so the same happened again.

He kept going to that same bar for three years.

And he never got a single free beer.

Point of the story:

Write that book. Kiss that loved one. Ask that person you’ve been stalking for five months out on a date. Tell Jenny that you love her. Tell Fred that he’s an ass-bag and you’ve hired a lawyer to take him for all his worth. Book that round the world trip. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Lick a “poisonous” toad. Try something different, like an orgy. Have sex with an orangutan, just to satisfy your curiosity. Hell, bang a warm apple pie, just like the movie American Pie said you should.

And do it right now! Yes! Now! Because you can! Damn it! Screw someday. Make that day, today.

Or, don’t. Whatever.

It’s not like I give a shit.

Probably a much better idea to simply stop beating yourself up and relax, just for once?

Someday, right?

Humans-are-dreamers. All dreams will eventually come to an end. And frankly, most aren’t worth the scurf off an ant’s back anyhow. 

In light of the newly fashioned popularity this post has elicited, I’ve written a short – rather harrowing, rather morbid – story on this topic. Check it out, if you can be assed: Where Sanity and Madness Meet – don’t delay, read today!

Join the conversation! 212 Comments

  1. So, did he ever get a free beer? 🙂 Had to ask. This was a great piece, had me laughing through most of it. And, I get your point. I’ll start writing that book tomorrow. I promise!

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  2. Best post I have ever read by you!

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  3. great advice! This is what I tell people whenever they say “someday, I’m going to travel to ….” in response to me telling them about my travels. It’s good to have goals, but they are meaningless if you don’t do anything to accomplish them!

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    • To be honest, which I always try to be, I’m not even such a fan of goals, generally. Just do shit that you like. And do your best to just ‘forgheet aboutt it (the future).’ Which, I s’pose, in a way, is a goal in itself, isn’t it? Oh well.

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      • I am a fan of goals because it keeps to on track to what I want for the future, but I agree also that we need to live in the present and not be too consumed with the future!

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  4. Great one. It sort of inspired me to write a short story, which turned out to be a long one. Ah, in 1:15 hours. 😛

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  5. I needed this today! So… maybe today will be the day I stop being such a fuckbag!

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  6. This was a great post for me to read shortly I posted my personal New Year’s Resolutions. Guess I better get get off my butt and get’er done!

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  7. Love this post. Hilarious!

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  8. I’m new here and this is the only blog of yours I’ve read so far, but already I can tell that our views on the world around us are somewhat similar. This was an excellent, enjoyable read! My blog’s VERY new, but check it out and in time I feel I’ll publish things you will truly have fun reading. I look forward to reading through some of your earlier posts when I have a bit more time and any others that follow down the road.

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    • Ahh, promoting your own work in the hopes that I will eventually read it. Didn’t you read the commenting section? If you didn’t, I’m just kidding. I will definitely endeavour to reading some of your stuff. Get to it though, don’t leave it for someday! haha. Geez.

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      • I did read it actually, but decided to take a chance anyway! I truly wouldn’t have done it, however, if I didn’t honestly feel like I’d provide you with some enjoyable reading down the road. Thanks for responding and being cool about it!

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        • I truly don’t care about people posting links to their shit on my site. The worst that can happen is I check it out and “waste” a moment of my precious (haha) time. Thanks. Glad to make a new, potential cyber friend.

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  9. This hit home like Babe Ruth. I LIVE in Someday.

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  10. couldnt have said it any better myself!

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  11. very nice, well written, funny and important. I’d like to pat you on the back

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  12. With the exceptions of cleaning and sorting out the junk room I live for the moment. Boring chores are meant to be put off until tomorrow in favour of doing funner things after all. Fred most definitly is an ass-bag and I have told him so, no lawyers required in this instance. Congrats on being freshly pressed, it was an enjoying read.

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  13. Hillarious! And very true

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    • Why yes, the words my person speaks through fingers are very, very funny. And very wise. Indeed. Just kidding. Kind of. Not sure if I’m kidding actually, I’m a little delusional by nature. Glad you had fun.

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  14. I liked it, I liked it a lot.

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  15. Thats a really good story and great to remember the advice! So, have you done something today that you would normally think “I’ll do that another day”?

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  16. Oh so very true! Your very witty.

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  17. Really great post, I will be back & congrats on being freshly pressed. Angelia @ http://dixielandcountry.com

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  18. Hey! I saw this post on “Freshly Pressed”, was intrigued by the title, seized the moment, and dropped by. I liked what I read. I actually posted about Procrastination on my blog,too, earlier this year. (I called that post “The P-Word.”) I appreciated your story and how you told it. Thanks for writing. — Ann

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    • Great minds think alike. Or is that, similar minds think alike? I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, cause everyone thinks that their own mind is rather great. Anyway. Thanks for poppin on by.

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  19. Someday, I’ll post a decent comment in response to this article. Someday

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  20. Sweet, Freshly Pressed! Well earned.

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  21. I’ve lost three of my best loved in the space of two years. You’re right. Someday is bs. Do it now. Use the good towels, have the hot fudge sundae, get to Fiji. Thanks for the wise words . . .

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  22. Too funny and such a fitting blog for all humans are weird. Can’t wait to read more!

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  23. My local bar is always sold out of free beer,and BTW I first started to think about writing a book in 1999 but I can’t think of a title (maybe buy one get one free
    Tomorrow) would work, but yeah you make a valid point and I do see where your coming from (I think I do) yeah I do,well maybe I will tomorrow,yeah I positively will tomorrow you get my drift don’t you? Yeah,we’ll maybe you will tomorrow

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    • … The book’s not gonna write itself. That’s what I would tell myself when I started my first novel. No it’s not. Actually, I just wrote. But good luck with it. Books are like kids but they are more demanding. (I obviously don’t have kids and I’m an only child).

      Reply
  24. Really great piece. At first I started to bookmark it saying, “I’ll read it…someday” but then I stopped myself :p Glad I did, it was worth the read! 🙂

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  25. I almost pissed myself when you gave the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech to your parents. My mom asked that I never make her out to be a raving lunatic in my blog. We’ll see how that goes.

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    • Well, the way I see it is; they gave me life, and now, they shall pay. Bastards. To introduce me into such a cold, cruel world for a few moments of grunting pleasure, tis selfish. Rave on, lunatic. Rave on. For the kids! Fight the power.

      Reply
  26. Keep writing this genius shit and they’ll put you on TED

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  27. So tomorrow, when my husband tries to wake me up for work, at the moment I usually say, “I’m getting up. Any minute now.” I should just screw it and stay in bed? Because if someday is today, then yeah, I think I should sleep in. Ok. That’s my plan. I’m glad we had this talk.

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  28. Love it! Did your fifth grade teacher really tell you a story about an alcoholic and his quest for free beer? If so, that’s pretty awesome. You’ve got a great message, and write it well. We definitely need to focus on the NOW, because tomorrow will never come.

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    • Yes, and no. He told me the free beers story, and I embellished on it a little (there was no sign of morbid alcoholism or tequila loving Irishmen). I liked him. He was a good teacher. And thanks. And yes, tomorrow won’t ever come. Meister Eckhart is on to something. (brownie points if you get the reference).

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      • I figured as much! I do like the story better with the details of alcoholism. At least the sign’s trickery kept the guy from falling off the wagon again- maybe AA should start using that trick. Just one more day to drink that glass of whiskey! As far as Mr. Eckhart goes, nope, not familiar with many theologians- what’s the reference? I just like to stick with the saying “buy the ticket, take the ride.” 😉

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        • I’m not sure he was actually a proper theologian. I know he went to Cambridge and was dealing with crippling depression when a rather alien thought came to him – “who is this ‘I’ that is depressed?” – and I know his book, “the power of now” is unbelievably good (I thinks). but that’s all. Read the book. Or don’t. I’m not your guardian.

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  29. This post motivated me to finally start my travel blog. I didn’t feel like it, but I forced myself to sit on my ass for an hour and write my first post. Thank you!!!!

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  30. Oh so succinctly delivered and painfully heard. You nailed it! Renee

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  31. Someday I may have the words to express how hilarious this post is. Maybe tomorrow…

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  32. I guess I need to buy Rosetta Stone and learn Spanish, since I applied for 5 jobs on which I said that I spoke Spanish. Whoops.

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    • Yeah, I wanna buy that stone thing. Seems like a good (lazy) way to learn a language. Heard good things. Do it. (Mainly so you can let me know how it works; but sure, yeah, do it cause someday doesn’t exist and all).

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  33. Very nice. These “someday” people drive me crazy, unfortunately it seems that they outnumber the “grab life by the horns and ride it” people. I think it’d be interesting to research how science plays a part in this. Is it possible that some people’s brains are wired to be driven and take risks while others may have a different input? I would like to know why some people are ok with just letting life pass them by.

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    • If I had an answer for you, I’d give you an answer. But I’ve none. Alas, here we are, you – with a question; me – without an answer. Umm? Genetics mixed with upbringing? Fairies that favour some people over others? Providing them with pixie dust that makes shit happen? Best I got.

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  34. waited to kiss the love of my life…thinking of I will, “Some. Fucking. Day.” he goes and kisses someone else…lol …and now i sit back and laugh…at letting that moment go…

    Someday – this bloody word has carted along forever and never turned up…
    then someone brilliant told me….someday is not a day of the week…and now you, smart word it too…

    Carpe Diem!!!!

    great post…a very witty albeit corny blog…am glad your post got fp-ed so got to read your it…congrats!

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  35. ah, i will post my comment later, it has something to do with motivation and love and so on, but i will post it later, i promise, once i think ….later

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  36. ha ha, great yarn, very true. I have been mulling over what my first post should be about however pro….crastin….ation.

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  37. Thoroughly enjoyed this; you speak a whole lot of sense. Now thinking of things I can do today, not someday.

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  38. Love this post. In the same sort of light I’ve always described myself as a lazy perfectionist – I will beat myself up about it later!

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    • Ahh, the lazy perfectionist. Story of my life. That shit will get you in trouble, physical trouble. Don’t let it get too out of control. Your body will meet your mind if not careful. But what do I know? I’m not a doctor. And thanks!

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  39. Great post. I’m gonna come back and Like it tomorrow because I haven’t got time to scroll all the way back up the page right now because Jersey Shore is on…

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  40. Cheers to that!

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  41. wow! This is the first ever article that carries a cliche moral but is itself cliche free. Usually they all sound the same and phony. This one preached differently .

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  42. Haha… Sarcastic much? Entertaining though.

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  43. ive been postponing my reads coz im too lazy for school. then i read this. STAB! great advice, you. i feel enlightened. i’m gonna drink that beer now. cheers.

    Reply

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